he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
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DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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