just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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