i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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