The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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