you traded sex for a burrito?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
