I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
