if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
this will be a night to untag.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
