Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
