you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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