While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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