It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
