I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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