I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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