Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
