if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
