saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
