Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
