the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can I color on your dick again?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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