Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
