I want to have your abortion
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
