11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
