Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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