I am puke
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
