She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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