At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
