he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
