Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
