Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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