The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
