It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
