I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
