I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
