someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
