Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
