There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
