I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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