i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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