I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
