my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my shit smells like andre
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
