Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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