So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
