$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
