So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
