I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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