sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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