I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
