In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
