meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Are we still banned from the library?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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