M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
