I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
