Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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