Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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