i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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