I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
should my penis look like a turkey
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
