I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
