we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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