Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
