I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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