dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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