my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm too high and old for this...
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