Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
