She went from zero to smokin in five shots
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
