found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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