i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
