you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
