So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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